who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
