my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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