i think my tv is drunk
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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