I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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