I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
