Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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