she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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