FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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