Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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