Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
