R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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