if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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