I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
