Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
