I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
