all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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