I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
