i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
