a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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