you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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