One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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