having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize