Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
