Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
