We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
