Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
