He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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