I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
