so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
