if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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