Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Couch. On fire.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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