gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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