this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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