I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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