my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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