What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
