Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
