I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
