I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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