My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
