dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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