My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize