The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
