Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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