I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
