Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
