to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
