I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
