it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
