Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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