I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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