He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
