put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
