Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Did I show you my penis last night?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
