Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
