My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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