Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
