I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
