Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
